So many people nowadays share their experiences with anxiety, panic attacks and various forms of mental illnesses which became something that other people consider as a way of attraction of viewers/readers attention. Sadly, those people don't actually realise how many people struggle with anxiety these day. And i find people's bravery to share their experiences unbelievable. Because it is so hard to explain the struggle that you go through every day.
Well, not gonna take it long. I've never struggled with anxiety before the last year. One year ago I had a perfomance in my school. While being on stage I got that confusing feeling of a completely absorbing fear. I didn't hear sound very well, got so dizzy and claustrophobic. Everything felt too much. I really wanted not to finish the song and run away but that would make everything way worse. One thing I knew for sure: that have never happened to me before. I didn't know what had happened then, but i knew it didn't feel great.
After, I got home and Googled the symptoms. Quick note: when it down to your health it's better not to google or at least not to believe everything that is written online. However, I did that. The first thought that hit my mind: 'that is definitely not something i want to share my life with'. But I had to. After this incident everything turned to a bit of a wrong route. Any places with lots of people turned into my 'AVOID TO GO' places. One of them was school which i naturally couldn't escape from. Although, since 3-5 months it got better and nearly got rid of anxious thoughts, I found new friends and my life couldn't have been better...
Until this very month.
The new year of high school seemed to be hella exciting, full of new opportunities and experiences. Positivity and confidence were my best pals. But slowly, I started getting that feeling that something was getting wrong in progression. My friend at school with whom my relationship was at the highest point ever (although I though they were) changed so much in a bit of a strange way in my point of view so, that we don't even say hi to each other now. I lost that one reason of loving school- having fun with classmates. My self-esteem was falling lower and lower. All that i was left with were depression and anxiety. Again. But worse this time. I turned into a shade who doesn't talk to anyone and looks like a sad mess 24/7. All these 3 weeks I've been feeling on the edge of crying most of my time especially in school. Everything have been feeling annoyingly irritating and upsetting.
No one knew except my 2 best friends outside of school. My family didn't know. I tried to start a talk about that but every time either got interrupted or misunderstood. I was so scared to tell to anyone and thought that I'll be alright the next day but that wouldn't happen. And I think my parents started to notice that something was actually going on, I've never laughed or smiled anymore. So one night I just sat and bursted into tears and said 'I think I'm not OK'. Surely, looking back now, that was the best decision-TO SHARE. Since that point, I don't feel like I'm alone. My family surrounded me with a huge support and love so much like it never has happened before. My life got better when they let me know that we're going to deal with it together.
Therefore, my advice to you if you struggle with any form of mental illness or you just don't feel OK, tell about that to your family or your close friends. I know it's really really hard but you will feel WAY better. I promise.
After telling my parents we made an appointment with a therapist. I wasn't expecting any great help but I was mistaken. We have a chat 1 hour long and quiting the hospital I felt that my mind hasn't been that clear and free as it was after the appointment. Many people underrate therapists but that is unbelievably helpful. Even if it's just a single appointment, a therapist will help you to get to know your problem better and find ways you will get better.
Now I'm on my way to change my life to the right way. As my therapist said, it's not an easy and quick deal, it's something I must work on really hard, every day. I still have the fears, I'm still struggling with going on with school, I'm still not confident but I will start trying to fix it. I will be fighting with all my fears, anxiety and depression. Now I'm aware that it is absolutely possible to get rig of it, it's not the way I'm gonna live all my life. And if you're feeling the same, I ask you, please don't be afraid to tell someone that you're feeling not OK. Don't be afraid to ask for help because you're not alone:)
P.S. If you need help or you just want to talk I'm always here for you x
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